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Jul. 8th, 2004 @ 09:03 am I'm sick
...in a lot of ways, really, but most tangibly, my throat is killing me, my ears feel off, and my neck feels like it's in a vise. Yet, I cancelled my doctor's appointment yesterday after leaving work before 11:00 a.m. I spent the morning laying poolside and after my sunbath, got some pretty shocking news from someone close to me, so I cancelled. Just like that. And today I feel even worse. Good call, Kellam.

I've been in a lot of situations in my life where ppl assumed things about me that were way off base, anticipating my reaction to something, and being so afraid of that reaction that certain topics were avoided altogether and one night (or day) something about a person I thought I was so close to would just spill out, explode. (I'm picturing a bullet passing through a milk carton, a shitty scene from a Morgan Freeman movie that's always stayed with me.) 50% of the time, the ppl I'm dealing w/ are correct, if they had been upfront from the beginning, I prolly wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them -- I would've walked away, but by the point of honesty, I'm too involved. The most frustrating thing is that the other 50% of the time, I would have been totally understanding and accepting. Regardless, it sucks to find yourself at a point with someone you care about and look back on time spent together, knowing they were (by omission) lying.

AND is there such a thing as a fresh start? Is that even possible? After going through drama, a shit-storm, whatever you want to call it, is it feasible to forget the things the other person did to hurt you, and vice versa, or is it best to just walk away and try to salvage a friendship?

I've had multiple ppl tell me they think I work so hard to stay friends with exes as a defense mechanism, to make break-ups and moving along after break-ups easier, b/c I can always tell myself, "Hey, they'll be a great friend, still," when, in reality, very few have actually turned out to be friends. In that capacity, the women have shown themselves much more adaptable. Most of the guys wear the "friend" mask, until I get a few drinks in me, then they turn into horny, pathetic, typical men. And I continue to be disappointed, but I continue to surround myself with these ppl. Is it that I'm so starved for attention that, despite not wanting to hook up with them, I crave the attempts?

Well, this turned out to be a sprawling entry. To sum up: Give me a lozenge, tell me the truth and (exes) don't try to hook up -- not gonna happen.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 8th, 2004 11:31 pm (UTC)

who's that

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whos' trying to hook up with you,i've been keeping up with your journals and you make very little sence, one day your at the pool happy as one can be, then the next your swimming in a sea of hardening shit (btw if thats original let me know your name so I can quote you on it, it's good) anyway so who's getting you down, or should i ask how many of them are there, fuck just give me the people who are brining you up to save time. but it sounds like you have real friends and need to focus on them, you leave boyfriends behind for a reason, friendships seldom occur. think about it, how many friends did you have that turned into boyfriends.... now think about how many bf's you just met and started loving or liking... with no basis of friendship at all. go with your friends they are there for a reason, leave the boyfriends, they are gone for a reason. keep up the good work
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From:corinaland
Date:July 9th, 2004 04:17 pm (UTC)

Re: who's that

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I'm not naming specific ppl on my lj. I believe I covered that in my first post. Suffice it so say, I've recently been disappointed at the piranha-like nature of some exes when I'm down, "You should just fuck me" was thrown out recently, for example.

The sea of hardening shit comment is original, btw. Hold the applause, hold the applause (while simultaneously bowing)...

The counter-point to "friendships seldom occur" from exes is true, but those that have been forged are some of my most important relationships, and I feel like someone you're romantically involved with will know you in a way that a friend never will.

Without a doubt, 9 of the 10 ppl I have the best time with I've hooked up with. Maybe it's because they know me, I know them, and we are familiar with what makes both of us happy. Sure, that can be true of friends, but if they're so great, and you're attracted to them, why not get it on? Then, they're an ex. Which is where I stand.

And, ummmm, who are you?
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 9th, 2004 05:40 pm (UTC)

true enough

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you're lucky that you have gotten your nine out of ten times. Most people I know, including me, get caught in the "friend zone". It's a curse like none other. you said "if they're so great, and you're attracted to them, why not get it on?" Answer: cause they don't want to get it on with you. It is like eating the finest foods and not being able to taste one bite. It's so frustrating that you have everything on face value, the foods there, it looks and smells great, but you can't obtain the true value of the food that would make you so happy. But you must be lucky (or hot) because your friends that you want to hook up with, want you as well, must be nice... so go with that, I'll just live vicariously through you :)

As far as the ex's knowing you more intimately than friends... I suppose that’s right, all save the ignorant ex's who never knew who you were to begin with, the insensitive, unobservant moron, thus qualifying them to be an ex. But still the ex's/friends thing just doesn't seem to be written in the stars nine out of ten times. Besides isn’t that newness of a person much more enchanting than that same old bloke? I think so. Anyway keep up the good work
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