...in a lot of ways, really, but most tangibly, my throat is killing me, my ears feel off, and my neck feels like it's in a vise. Yet, I cancelled my doctor's appointment yesterday after leaving work before 11:00 a.m. I spent the morning laying poolside and after my sunbath, got some pretty shocking news from someone close to me, so I cancelled. Just like that. And today I feel even worse. Good call, Kellam.
I've been in a lot of situations in my life where ppl assumed things about me that were way off base, anticipating my reaction to something, and being so afraid of that reaction that certain topics were avoided altogether and one night (or day) something about a person I thought I was so close to would just spill out, explode. (I'm picturing a bullet passing through a milk carton, a shitty scene from a Morgan Freeman movie that's always stayed with me.) 50% of the time, the ppl I'm dealing w/ are correct, if they had been upfront from the beginning, I prolly wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them -- I would've walked away, but by the point of honesty, I'm too involved. The most frustrating thing is that the other 50% of the time, I would have been totally understanding and accepting. Regardless, it sucks to find yourself at a point with someone you care about and look back on time spent together, knowing they were (by omission) lying.
AND is there such a thing as a fresh start? Is that even possible? After going through drama, a shit-storm, whatever you want to call it, is it feasible to forget the things the other person did to hurt you, and vice versa, or is it best to just walk away and try to salvage a friendship?
I've had multiple ppl tell me they think I work so hard to stay friends with exes as a defense mechanism, to make break-ups and moving along after break-ups easier, b/c I can always tell myself, "Hey, they'll be a great friend, still," when, in reality, very few have actually turned out to be friends. In that capacity, the women have shown themselves much more adaptable. Most of the guys wear the "friend" mask, until I get a few drinks in me, then they turn into horny, pathetic, typical men. And I continue to be disappointed, but I continue to surround myself with these ppl. Is it that I'm so starved for attention that, despite not wanting to hook up with them, I crave the attempts?
Well, this turned out to be a sprawling entry. To sum up: Give me a lozenge, tell me the truth and (exes) don't try to hook up -- not gonna happen.